Not much rivals the pain of breaking or broken relationship. Hard isn't it... Trying to work it all out, where it all went it wrong. Why does it have to be like this. How can you fix it, how are you going to really solve those big problems that just won't go away.... or will they?
You think it shouldn't be like this. It should be, well, different.
All the things you don't want or like, they shouldn't be there. And all those things said and done that hurt or hinder, they shouldn't have happened.
Those broken promises.
The let downs.
Those angry words, the indifference, the lack, the coldness, the control, the anger, the mistrust, the jealousy, the fear and frustration. Haven't you tried a million times. Shouldn't they know by now?
It shouldn't be like this, or should it...?
Have you really thought that through? Do you know what different might look like?
Who and what would need to change?
You? Them? Life?
How far back would you have to go?
We can spend so much time and energy thinking things should be different, and its all resistance. The truth is things can only be what they are, until they're not. And what they are is exactly how they should be according to what's creating them.
You see everything that's out there, it's all coming from in here. We think its the other way around that things are happening outside of us and we're responding inside. But we've got that back to front.
Take a broken relationship.
Two people come together to create a bond, a partnership. The relationship is the content of those two people, it's a reflection of what each other brings from the inside out. But go back a little further. That they met in the first place, that's no coincidence.
What's inside each is drawing the other. Sure, initial attraction may be physical, but that's just a hook. The real connection happens beneath the skin. Its the energy, and deeper still it's the soul aligned contract that this relationship is destined to be the catalsyt for healing and self discovery.
Only, that discovery mightn't look like how you think it should be. You think it should be happily every after. But what's inside you isn't always happy. In fact what's deep inside you is the pain and unresolved anger, bitterness, disappointment, trauma that you endured growing up. It may be buried but it's never left.
The rejection you felt, the abandonment, the not enough-ness.
Maybe you weren't pretty enough, tall enough, your skin wasn't clear enough, your body not perfect enough. Maybe like me you had a traumatic childhood, or maybe you didn't. Maybe your parents were loving, but make no mistake, growing up creates all kinds of insecurities and deep rooted fears that we harbour.
Fears that impact our energy field and who we meet.
These parts of us are then projected onto our relationships especially when we intimately connect with others.
So all that's in you, all that's unresolved, without permission will be unconsciously projected onto your relationship. If for example you have a fear of rejection you'll project your insecurities onto your partner and you'll meet mistrust wherever you go.
And the energy of rejection will pull you towards partners who are also insecure, but have perhaps learned to manage their fears differently than you.
Maybe they're narcissistic.
Maybe they're abandoners.
Maybe they're cheaters.
It can seem so unfair, but what's really happening is everything inside you both is manifesting in the relationship. How then can it be different? How can it be something else?
How can it NOT be this way?
So instead of thinking it shouldn't be like this, what if instead we learned to see that it's exactly what it should be to show us what we need to see. What we need to heal. What we need to change in us, so that it no longer is projected onto our reality.
Our relationships can only ever reflect us. You mightn't yet see it, not in you anyway. Oh you can see it in the other person, but they're your mirror. And the reflection never lies.
If we find ourselves in a relationship that's painful or disrespectful or hurtful then, that can only be because we still have pain, disrespect and hurt in ourselves that needs our attention.
If we find ourselves with people who are defensive, cold, closed, or abusive, where are we defensive, where have we closed our heart to ourselves, to our own wounded child. How abusive is our inner dialigue, how are we treating our own precious hearts?
Do not think this is about blame; it is about self discovery.
We can think it shouldn't how it is, until we short circuit, and that won't change a thing. Because it is what it is, until it's not. And if we can learn to see that it is only what it can be according to what's going on inside of us, then now we know exactly where to look.
Now we know why. Now we know what we have to do. Now we know that life isn't just throwing us shit relationships and giving us scraps. But more we're seeing the unconscious aspects of our fractured selves that are being reflected back to us through the relationship.
Why? For healing of course.
You're not here to stay unconscious and hurting. You're here to evolve and grow and your wounds are the obstacle to that growth. They're also the key to unlocking the truest power and potential that lives in you. They are the portal back to wholeness.
When you heal, when there's nothing left inside you but the happiness and wholeness you came to this earth with, that's what you'll meet in your relationships.
And my darling, THAT really is how is should be.
Dawn Lee is a personal and spiritual intelligence coach ™ who helps smart, intuitive professionals out of crisis and back into clarity. She specialises in melding psychology and spirituality to get to the root of the unresolved wounds that cause self sabotage and chaos in our lives and relationships. Her passion is leading others back to wholeness and back to their truest, most soul aligned, loving selves.