We can have it all apparently, but in having it all, a lot of us are now stuck believeing we have to control it all. And that includes our relationships.
Many find themselves trying to control everything and everyone around them, including their partner. But insisting on having things 'our way', can create a lot of tension and upset, especially when our way doesn't always materialise.
Too many are sweating the small stuff and as a result losing sleep and other valuable life commodities. And when things don't go our way, we're telling ourselves we've failed.
And when people don't do what we want, we hurt ourselves by assuming they don't care.
These stories crush self esteem and create a greater need to grip tighter and control harder, with disastrous results.
Maybe you think you're an easy going person but if you get upset when things aren't just as you like them, I hate to break it to you, but you might be more of a control freak than you're making out.
Before you jump to your own defence, stop, because what you argue for you keep. Being controlling isn't something you want to be stuck with, it's causing you a lot of stress. It's not who you are, it's a conditioned response to fear and running your life on fear is bad for you and your relationships.
People who like a lot of control regularly tend to feel and have lives that are really quite out of control. That's because they manifest from a place of lack.
Granted, having control and pushing for what you want can work in some areas of your life. It might be beneficial in your career for example. In fact you've probably had to push for what you want just to get ahead.
But if you're pushy with love and you're micro managing your partner, you'll create 50 shades of disconnect because you're trying to control the uncontrollable.
No matter how affable a person, when their freedom is stifled, resistance is inevitable. It happens first below the awareness, but it always happens.
Deep down human beings value freedom more than anything else, even love.
Freedom's hard wired into us which is precisely why from the minute we can walk we don’t like being told what to do. If you’ve watched the movie Braveheart, you’ll recognise that the “they can take our lives but they can’t take our freedom” line, corny as it is, resonates more than any other line in that movie.
That’s because we express our very essence through autonomy and creativity. We’re designed to want to exercise our inner being's need to express ourselves. And we need freedom to do it.
So when you limit that expression by trying to control someone, it triggers a part below their conscious awareness and resistance springs forth.
And this is why the harder we try to control someone, the less control we have, because their inner being rebels.
If you're trying to control your partner, what they’re doing or not doing, isn’t the issue. The issue is what’s in you that has you believing it’s not safe for you to allow others the freedom to be who they are?
What are you afraid will happen if things aren't 'just so'?
What does it say about you if your partner doesn't do things your way?
Just why are you willing to kill love with your need to control it?
If you don’t trust your partner and you have good reason not to you must address that issue. But denying someone freedom to be, it's not the way. Because you’ll create resistance that will eventually demand more freedom. And if you push enough, your partner will either leave you emotionally and/or physically.
And even if they stay they'll resent you like there's no tomorrow.
And guess what kind of relationship you'll be stuck in; a very cold one. You'll be lonely as hell, because without love holding people together there's just painful co-dependency.
If you're a control freak you need to own it and you need to discover why. You need to deal with the part of you that’s insecure. The part that's in deep fear of survival because that's what your control is about, surviving.
Well that's at least what it used to be about. Now it's just an unconscious conditioned pattern playing out over and over again.
People who like a lot of control tell themselves they're happiest that way, so why then are they so miserable? Have you ever seen a truly happy control freak? Maybe one who's good at pretending, because they control that too. What's truer is that the happiest people on the planet have learned to let go.
And the happiest most loving relationships are the ones with the most freedom where each person can express their truest selves.
Keeping hold of the fear and need to control won't only keep your partner prisoner, it’ll keep YOU prisoner. You're a slave to it.
So what is this fear?
Call it out.
Meet it head on.
What is it saying to you that you must control this relationship?
And is what it’s saying true?
Your partner’s freedom, or anyone else's for that matter isn't yours to take nor give. You don’t own another person's freedom anymore than you own them. And the more you try to restrict them the more you'll kill the love between you.
And I don't just mean freedom to go out or pursue something they love, I mean freedom to do things their way, to be their true self and to live in the way that makes them happy.
If everything has to be your way you have a problem that needs resolved. Because one day you're going to look back and wonder where the love went. And you might find it went and found someone more appreciative and easay going than you.
And that's just the way love goes.
You’ll also slowly kill yourself inside because deep down your own autonomous creative inner being is also in resistance to you denying someone else their freedom.
You hate the part of yourself that controls. You hate the part that clings and demands, you hate it because it leaves you feeling unreasonable, empty, unworthy and afraid of being alone.
Just how you used to feel before you decided you needed so much control.
This part isn't just controlling your partner, it's controlling you. And for as long as it is, it's robbing you of your power and happiness, because when things have to be your way you can't relax until they are.
And even when they are, you still can't chill. Why? Because you're looking for something else to control.
Isn't it about time you got a hold of this fear and this story that you need things to be just so in order for you to be happy?
Isn't it time you learned how to let go and let love just be so it can thrive in your presence? Because you'll find that in letting go, others actually start to want to do the things that please you.
That's the irony.
It's got a strong hold on you, I know. It's an ingrained habit some of which is locked into your subconscious, but that shouldn't keep you from finding it, nor overriding it.
Right now you’re just believing the lies that the fear tells you to keep you in a state of survival. Which really just keeps you believing you’re powerless. That's why you believe you need to keep control.
But how much love do you kill before you grab this story of insecurity and crush it to its rightful death?
Loving someone doesn’t give you rights to control them. That's not love. If someone's chosen you as a partner they’re with you by their own free will, and that's how it should be.
You own nothing of them.
If your partner's having to fight for their right to autonomy, and do things your way, no matter how much they hide it, they'll get pissed off and resent the sh*t out of you. And their love for you will die.
Not because you’re unworthy.
Not because you’re not good enough.
Not because they don't want to be with you, but because you’re killing love with control.
And if your partner's pushing back, it’s because it's their natural response to do so. Don’t confuse their pushback with them not loving you, that’s a cop out for your own bad behavior.
The truth is you’ll never override the basic human need for freedom.
If you're not wiling to change you might need to be prepared to bury yet another relationship, because if you don’t resolve your control issues, that’s where’s it's going, in the ground.
You have to get a grip.
And you have to take responsibility and get help to draw a line under this story, once and for all.
Because whatever you do, whatever relationship you’re in, no matter how rock solid, in one way or another your insecurity will continue to haunt you. And if your relationships ends under the weight of your controlling ways you'll keep telling yourself the painful story that you’re being rejected or abandoned,
When what’s truer is that your partner's just had a gutfull of being denied their right to express their soul through the freedom of being who they are.
Demand more of yourself and do what it takes to find and heal this part of you that needs to have control.
And if you’re a partner who’s being controlled, encourage your partner to seek help, before they kill the love that's left.Because eventually the spark will go out, and it won't be relit.
Love seeks freedom, and just like a summer breeze, once trapped, no longer exists.