It’s ended abruptly, maybe you saw it coming, maybe you didn’t. It may well be that you’re better off without him, if after all, it was going nowhere. But what if it's not all black and white? What if it had great potential and he just wasn’t ready?
Men aren’t always as emotionally available as we’d like or need them to be. One of the clearest signs is actually the easiest to spot; he’ll tell you. He'll actually let you know he's not ready.
The problem is, you mightn't be listening. You might think he'll change, that he'll be able to get ready for you. But it's likely that he can't and he won't, not whilst he's in the relationship.
Maybe he isn't quite over his last breakup, it was messy after all. Or maybe he has something to get out of his system. He may be afraid to fall deeply again for someone new, men hurt too you know, and some men have been scarred by old wounds left by their mothers.
If he hasn't worked it all through yet, jumping into another serious relationship can send him into a panic.
It can actually take men a lot longer to bounce back emotionally than women so it's no real surprise that men have learned, and been conditioned to keep a lid on the deepest part of their heart. Until they’re ready.
This can be confusing; it appears they're in what looks and feels like a relationship, yet the man is still professing that he’s not ready for one.
And this can be when a woman makes the mistake of thinking what's she's really heard is "you're not enough."
This strikes a fear in her, and in response she may push harder for security which only ends up creating a gulf in which the man inevitably walks away, leaving her stunned, hurt and confused.
It can be hard to cut contact, but it’s necessary because when this happens there’s a good chance there’s still a lot of feelings left and the temptation for both parties to keep coming back together is high.
And yet nothing’s changed.
The danger is that if a woman agrees to this dipping in and out, especially when someone’s already walked away from her, what’s effectively being communicated is that’s it ok. This is the last message you want to send because it's laden with a deeper message that paves the way for more pain:
I don’t value myself enough to walk away and find someone who can and will give me what I deserve.
If we’re not valuable in our own eyes, we lose value in the eyes others.
Not all emotionally unavailable men stay emotionally unavailable. The worse ones can be narcissistic, in which case you won't change them and sister, you need a fast exit. But often men just need time. And this is why no contact is crucial. Because the masculine needs to withdraw, and when it's pursued it doesn’t have time to miss the feminine and be naturally drawn back.
A woman can fear that if she doesn’t make herself available in the meantime, he’ll never come back. But the opposite is true. It’s by giving a man time and space to work himself out and discover what he had in the relationship that was truly valuable, that makes the difference.
It can be hard to stay away, especially in weaker moments. There are times when you ache for his company. And when you throw in alcohol for example, there’s always a danger that you’ll drunk dial or send the obligatory "I miss you" message at 2am. It might lead you to a get together, which can be nice in the moment, but in the cold light of day, nothing's changed. And now you’re more vulnerable than ever because you’ve effectively let someone back into your field and your life who’s made it clear that right now he isn’t ready to be there.
So while you’re allowing time and space for you both to heal take alcohol out of the equation. It's only going to lead you down a path that trust me, you want to travel.
I know that you miss him, after all he has some great qualities. Not being ready for a relationship or afraid to truly open your heart doesn’t make someone a bad person.
But what you need to realise sweetheart is that it isn’t just him that needs to do some work to get ready. It’s also you because you need to be committed in knowing your true value and honoring that. And this experience is actually helping you get there.
After all if you’ve attracted an emotionally unavailable man into your world, there’s a good chance there’s part of you that isn’t emotionally available to yourself.
See that in stepping away he's actually doing what he needs to, because if he's going to get ready, and he still might, he won't get there whilst he's dipping in and out with you. So contacting him and being available in his weaker moments, you're actually jeopardising the chance you have of this relationship coming back together.
You're depriving yourself of giving this man time and space to step up, and in the process you're sabotaging your own healing and the potential for you to evolve into someone who truly recognises the beauty and value of her own heart.
Each time you make or accept contact you're sending the message that you don’t value yourself enough to stay away. And that message is eroding his respect for you.
I know its hard, and this is often part of the relationship pattern we find ourselves in, espeacilly if we have abandonment issues or a story of rejection. We can feel compelled to reach out, try to convince him of his mistake, to make him love us again. But you need to understand that your best shot at getting what you want from this man, or any other, is learning how to lean back into trust, be patient and master being able to give the masculine the space it needs, when it needs.
Doing nothing then is actually the best strategy you can employ. It seems counter intuitive but it's actually the quickest way to getting what you want.
Of course using the time of no contact to work on yourself and put your focus back onto you is crucial. If you're pining and endlessly obsessing, he’ll feel it. And this isn't really giving true space.
As energy beings our energy fields collide in the ether. Masculine energy is super sensitive to the feminine and this is why when you take your attention away and do the healing in yourself, often you’re surprised at how quickly you hear back from that one you thought had gotten away.
Sometimes you’ve already moved on, other times you can welcome him back and see where it leads.
Only you'll know if and when that time hits. But you won't be doing it out of desperation. And if you walk away you'll know that you valued yourself enough to let go of a man who never had any intention of being the one you truly deserve.
Which means that out there is someone amazing, walking around, looking for you. Don’t keep him waiting, wasting your energy where it’s not aligned.
If you’ve broken the no contact rule reestablish it. Cut it off and get busy. Know that this is the safest, most surest powerful way to get back on track and bring in the kind of available love that will make your heart sing and your soul dance.
And that my darling, is what you deserve. Don't settle for less.
Dawn Lee is a personal, professional & spiritual intelligence coach™ with a passion for melding psychology and spirituality. Dawn's expertise is leading others out of personal and/or relationship crisis and into extreme clarity to find happiness, peace, love and connection from the inside out. Her mission is to help shine a light of awareness in the world and connect others back to their happiest, most authentic, fearless, soul-aligned selves to live in love. Discover how to work with Dawn.