Hurts doesn't it?
Being attached to someone who's emotionally unavailable. They really should have a health warning. Not that you'd take any notice though. Because what's driving you into their unavailable arms is deeper, much deeper.
Emotional unavailbility comes in many guises. It can be obvious such as a fear of commitment, being too busy for a relationship, not over an ex, divorce, or just not ready.
It can also be someone with an addiction to alchohol, drugs, gambling for example that renders them unavailable to meet your needs. Or they may just have too many of their own emotional issues that stop them from being able to truly let you in.
Emotinally unavailable people are like cigarettes. They're a bad habit. You can see those hideous pictures on the packet. You know you're slowly poisoning yourself but be dammed if it's enough to stop you lighting up, over and over again.
I used to smoke. I also used to be addicted to emotionally unavailable men.
Happily they're two addictions I've long kicked, but it wasn't without effort and a great deal of soul searching and working on myself at the level where it all began.
Addictions happen at a subconscious level. You can't cure an addiction until you find the agreement that made it.
At the root of attaching to emotionally unavailable people (EUP) is typically a core wound of abandonment. Something happened to you in childhood, maybe repeatedly that conditioned you into being ok with not having your needs met.
You had to adjust.
You had to learn to overcome the fact that no one was there for you when you needed them. Worse still they left you.
Turned their back on you.
It becomes the one thing we never want to experience again and yet it's the thing we repeat over and over. And that's because we've agreed to it. We've agreed that it's ok for us to not have our needs met.
Only deep down its not ok, because having our needs met is what we want more than anything. But here's the catch. Because our needs weren't every truly met, we don't actually know how that feels. AND we fear it.
We fear real intimacy because it leads to abandoment.
Whatever your experience growing up, you may think you're over it now. After all it happened a long time ago. Maybe your dad left and shit you never liked him anyway. He was violent drunk, never there, what was there even to miss?
But that's the kind of rationale that although the conscious mind can have, the subconscious mind knows nothing of.
You see the subconscious mind has no powers of rationale. Whatever suggestion it's fed, however an event was internalised, that's exactly how its held onto. Experiences that happen when we're little are internalized in one way and one way only; they must be our fault.
Consider for a minute the power of a subconscious belief. Think about a hypnotist. If you've ever seen a show you'll know that they can convince people of all kinds of weird and wonderful things. I once saw a guy eat a raw onion believing it was an apple. He devoured the entire thing without so much as drop of water in his eyes, proclaiming "it was delicious". I just need to be within 2 feet of an onion and I'm crying buckets.
Once the subconscious accepts a suggestion wholly, it controls even the body.
What happens once we've been abandoned is that we have a subconscious belief that we'll ALWAYS be abandoned. We can't rely on someone to meet our needs and we agree they don't have to, because after all it's our fault. And this keeps being our experience.
It was certainly mine.
Whilst I consciously craved to be loved and have my needs met the agreement I had with myself kept me sacrificing my needs over and over again. Always putting myself last. Never being able to express what I needed until it was too late and I was in too deep with an emotionally unavailable person.
And boy do you get in deep.
It's the nature of the relationship. It's the deep feeling of being abandoned and not loved that is the true addiction.
Nothing changed until I did. Until I changed this agreement with myself. Until I stopped agreeing that it was ok for my emotional needs to not be met.
I had to meet this old agreement where it began. I had to acknowledge it, feel it and understand it. And then re-program the subconscious to accept that having my emotional needs met is my priority. ALWAYS. Firstly by myself.
I had to give myself permission to allow others to meet my needs and commit to myself to be willing to walk away when the old pattern surfaced. And it surfaced.
I spent my entire adult life living with this pattern of attracting emotionally unavailable partners and telling myself I was ok with it. But deep down I had a fear of intimacy. I feared what I craved, being attached, because I'd be let down, left, walked away from.
And I avoided relationships, telling myself I was too fussy or just couldn't find anyone. All the while being repelled by people who were available to me.
Quite simply they didn't fit the pattern, and I couldn't gel with them.
I lived with the cycle of aloofness and appearing to be completely independent and accepting of not having my true emotional needs met until I'd suddenly become engulfed by attachment and my deep wound would once again be exposed.
My insecurity alight; and my hurt, an ocean of sadness.
Sadness that I'd agreed was ok for me to keep feeling. Because I'd had to survive growing up with no one meeting my needs, I'd subconsciously agreed that it was ok for this to continue.
Well I no longer agree to that.
And I have to keep no longer agreeing to it because I'll always have this tendency in me for it to be ok at some level because I KNOW I can survive it.
Only by continuing to NOT agree to being ok with NOT having my needs met can I ensure that I put value on my needs and keep myself protected from allowing emotionally unavailable people into my field.
If you're struggling with this pattern, I feel you. It's not your fault, and believe me you are far from alone. This is one of the most common wounds we have to heal. But heal we must because we'll simply keep meeting the same pattern until we do.
So long as we're holding onto the belief we're destined to. It just can't be any other way.
If you need help dissolving this pattern and inviting emotionally AVAILABLE people in, whilst keeping emotionally UNAVAILABLE people out, reach out for a free discovery call and find out how I can help you create a new agreement that will change your field, and your life.
You deserve so much more than you're agreeing to. Let me help you solve that and find the love you've always dreamed of.